Kensi's Psych Eval
by KBake
Summary: This is a sequel to my previous story, Callen's Psych Eval.  Nate is doing his annual interviews with the agents and he fears what he might hear from Junior Agent Blye. Kensi reveals a dark secret from her past almost unwillingly.  NO NaKed.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This is a continuation of a previous story called Callen's Psych Eval. Nate is by far my favorite character on the show, but because his story line always feels incomplete to me I filled in the blanks with a little creativity. There is a LOT of fiction in this story. Finally, you won't find any Nate and Kensi pairiings in my stories because I work with psychologists and I know that if they were to ever become emotionally involved with a client then they would never be able to help that client. I wanted to keep Nate in a position where he could help Kensi, not 'help' himself so to speak. I appreciate your reviews and encouragement, it makes me want to post more stories. Thanks so much for reading. Enjoy!_

**I own no characters.**

After Callen's psych eval Nate interviewed Eric and Sam, both evals he knew would be less emotionally tiring as Callen's. By the time he had finished, it was nearing the end of his day and he decided to work with Kensi and Dom tomorrow. He was dreading Kensi's interview almost as much as he did Callen's, but for very different reasons. Before he headed home for the day he stopped by Hetty's office to brief her on how the evals were going and on Callen's status.

He knocked on the wood post once again and Hetty looked up from her computer, "Nate? How goes it?"

Nate stepped forward and sat down in the chair facing her desk. "Long day."

"I can only imagine. I hope your day is ending better than it started today?" Hetty asked with a hint of curiosity.

"It went well. I've started interviewing everyone accept Dom and Kensi." Nate replied.

Hetty nodded her head, "Mm. I see. Callen and Kensi all in one day might be too much."

Nate nodded his head, "Yup."

"How are our agents fairing? So far everyone ok?" Hetty asked.

"Sam and Eric are doing well minus a few traumas here and there, but they seem to be coping sufficiently. I gave them both some psychological homework and told them I'd check back at the end of the week." Nate responded.

"And Mr. Callen?" Hetty asked.

Nate took a deep breath in thinking of the words to say without breaking Callen's confidence, "He needs more time."

"I see. Anything I should be worried about?"

"I can't recommend him for duty right now Hetty." Hetty seemed concern, but Nate continued, "I gave him a week to show me some progress. If he can do that, then I think he'll be fine to return to the field." Nate replied.

"I see. And he knows this?"

"He wasn't happy about it, but I made him aware."

"I can't imagine he was happy at all. I'm surprised the walls of the Ops Center didn't come crashing down when you told him." Hetty said surprised.

Nate smiled, "As far as anyone is concerned, he's been pulled out of the field for being shut down and non-cooperative with his psych eval."

"I'll talk to him." Hetty replied.

Nate continued, "As far as you and I are concerned, that's not why I stood him down. That's all I can say Hetty. I'm sorry."

Hetty looked at Nate processing in her mind what he meant, "I see Mr. Getz." A slight smile came across her face as well as Nate's. She understood that her advice from earlier worked on getting Callen to open up. Nate stood up to leave, satisfied with the information he gave Hetty, but before he walked out she called him back, "Nate?" Nate turned around. "If Callen is down, then his team is down. Do they know that?"

"They will tomorrow," Nate smiled and walked away.

Hetty chuckled to herself and said, "Ah, a mental health holiday."


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning Nate came in early, as he usually did, before any of the other agents. He turned in his completed paperwork and set out on meandering the halls, compartmentalizing his day, observing the various states of mind people were in as they came in to work. Eric and Dom were the first to arrive, both chattering about online social networks and other various technological means of communication. Sam and Callen came in together, both unusually quiet. Typically they arrived bickering about unimportant topics, taking jabs at each other, sparing verbally as a warm up to their day. Nate had noticed Callen was slightly on edge, probably because he didn't sleep at all the night before. Nate's psych eval with Callen was beyond intense and he knew the next few days would be rough for Callen, but in the end he would pull through. He made a note to himself to check in with Callen before the day was through. Sam's psych eval was mildly intense, as it usually was. Sam was just open enough to satisfy Nate's questions, but still closed off enough to protect himself and his secrets. Still, the psych eval was rough on Sam as well. Nate imagined neither one of them closed their eyes last night.

Nate watched his team as they greeted each other, poured coffee, and got ready for the days work. Such a myriad of emotions from one team member to the next; it was hard to make out that they were a team at all. The week of psych evals was always difficult for the agents because it brought up emotions that most of them buried over the year. Because the week was so emotionally intense the team was typically pulled out of the field, work load permitting. The entire week was about breaking the team down, confronting their demons, and then building each of them back up again to a more stable and healthier mental state. Nate had his work cut out for him and it was only day two.

As he approached the distraught team members, he noticed one was missing. "Where's Kensi?" He asked the unusually quiet team.

Callen and Sam didn't acknowledge Nate was in the room. Eric looked up from his phone and shrugged. Nate knew Sam and Callen weren't going to talk to him for a while. They were like an open wound and Nate was the person they saw as prodding at the wound making it bleed more. It hurt Nate to see his team like this, but he kept telling himself that he had to break them down before he could build them up and they were clearly not ready yet. Feeling awkward and out of place among his team, Nate headed for his office. He already felt emotionally exhausted and his day just barely began.

Kensi was the only agent who arrived in a semi-cheerful mood, but that would soon change. She walked into the bull pen and greeted everyone, but Eric was the only one who responded. She looked over at him, "What's going on with you guys? Why so quiet?"

Eric responded, "Psych evals."

Kensi's facial expression changed as if she got a bitter taste in her mouth. "Crap. I totally forgot."

Callen looked up from his desk, "He's on a real rampage this year Kens. You better prepare yourself."

Sam chuckled, "Yeah. I would have rather run into oncoming traffic than go through that interview again."

Kensi frowned, "Come guys its just Nate. Stonewall him and glare at him enough and he cowers away like a dog with his tail between his legs."

Sam looked at Kensi seriously, "That's what we thought."

Kensi was slightly frightened, but thought the guys were just messing with her as usual. "Well, I'm a woman. 'Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.'"

"I don't think that's going to be your saving grace this time Kens. Something's up with Nate this year. He already asked where you were this morning." Sam replied.

Callen put his pencil on the table and leaned back in his chair, "He knew things I never told him, not anyone Kensi. It was worse than talking to Hetty."

"Come on guys. It'll be fine. You'll see." Kensi replied refusing to let them scare her. She stood up and walked toward Nate's office determined to get this over with.

Nate was at his desk going over Kensi's file. He was reading over his notes about the cases she worked on this year and her debriefings after every case. He picked out the ones he knew she was still carrying around and started formulating a strategy for her interview. Kensi was always difficult to talk to because she was a fighter. Unlike Sam and Callen who would stonewall and shut down, Kensi would turn the tables on Nate every time until Nate felt defeated or surrendered and she won. He had to start small with Kensi, ask her easy questions that seemed emotionally safe to answer. If he started slow and built up the questions she might be more likely to trust him with the tougher answers, then again he was at a loss when it came to Kensi most days.

Just as Kensi walked in Nate finished with his processing and strategy for her interview. "Perfect timing." Nate smiled from his desk.

Kensi rolled her eyes, crossed her arms and walked toward Nate's desk. "Alright Nate, let's get this over with, but if you think for a minute you're going to destroy me like you did with Sam and Callen, then I'm walking out. Psych eval or not, I'm not letting you tear me apart like you did them." Kensi was more riled up than Nate expected.

"I don't understand? What are you talking about?" Nate asked with a confused look.

"Have you seen those guys out there? They look defeated. What the hell did you do to them anyway?" Kensi asked forcefully.

Nate shook his head, "What makes you think it was me?"

Kensi was peeved. Nate knew it was a tactic she was using to get him to back down, but he kept his composure calm and gentle despite her excitement. "They were fine until they talked to you yesterday. They said you had information on them to get them to talk. What are you trying to break us all down?"

Nate decided to change the subject. Kensi was stalling her interview with a conversation that wasn't going to go anywhere productive. "Are you done?"

Kensi was taken aback by Nate's authoritative demeanor. She sat back down and relaxed enough to catch her breath, but still on edge. She wanted to walk out, but Hetty told the entire team that if they didn't complete their interview with Nate to his satisfaction then they would be pulled from undercover work until they did. Apparently Nate wasn't the only one annoyed with the team's emotional shortcomings.

Nate sat in the chair facing his couch with Kensi's file on his knee looking over it. He began to speak without looking up from his file, "Here's how this is going to work Kensi. I'm going to ask you questions, some about your undercover work in the past year," Nate glanced up from his file, "and some about your personal life outside work."

"I know how this works Nate." Kensi replied annoyed.

"Ok?" Nate furrowed his eyebrows wondering why she was so tense. He continued, "You seem a little upset. Did I do something?"

Kensi glared at Nate, "Not yet."

"But you're anticipating that I'm going to say or do something to upset you?" Nate asked confused.

"Already doing it Nate." Kensi said still glaring at him. She wasn't initially angry when she walked in, but a small feeling of rage was brewing in her. She wasn't sure where it was coming from, but it scared her.

Nate smiled nervously, "Kensi what's going on? This isn't like you?"

Kensi shook her head and dropped her glare, "I don't know. I feel on edge."

"Did something happen last night?" Nate asked. He knew Kensi had many wild nights out and they didn't always end in her favor.

"I didn't do anything. Maybe I'm just PMSing. Whatever. Just ask your questions Nate." Kensi said trying to shrug off the fury in the pit of her stomach.

Nate wanted to push for more information, but he respected Kensi's wishes to move on. "Well, you've been with NCIS now for eight months. How do you think you're fitting in with the team?"

"Fine, why?" Kensi said trying to turn the tables. The rage inside her was building. Nate noticed she was clenching her fists, but continued on with his questioning.

"Being the only female?" Nate asked with a more gentle, yet still firm demeanor.

Kensi flashed Nate a sharp glare, "Why does it always come back to my sexuality?"

"It doesn't." Nate said confused at Kensi's irritated demeanor again. Something seemed off about her today.

Kensi was getting a little more irritated. "Why do you and all the other _men_ feel the need to constantly bring up the fact that I am not one!" Kensi raised her voice. Apparently Nate had stumbled onto an issue that he was unaware existed. Kensi had stood up and was now pacing and breathing heavy, and Nate was becoming concerned. This was supposed to be a simple topic for Kensi, one they've talked about many times before.

"I'm sorry Kensi. I didn't mean to put your sexuality front and center. It's just…" Kensi cut Nate off real fast almost ignoring anything he was saying.

"Every flipping op every single case and I'm sent in undercover for the sole purpose of being a woman. My only use on this team is as a sex toy, never mind my undercover skills, my resourcefulness and god forbid, my strength." Kensi continued to rattle on and on about how she felt mistreated and almost used.

Nate was baffled because he knew Kensi didn't really believe what she was saying. She knew the team valued her, so why was she so upset? The team definitely didn't view her as a sex toy, Nate thought that was an interesting choice of words. He had no clue what had just happened and why Kensi was so set off by this topic. He was under the impression that her sharp attitude, when she walked in, was a rouse to throw him off. Maybe he was wrong. There had been no indication leading up to this that explained her reaction to his mundane question or why she was seemingly not stopping anytime soon. He decided to continue observing her, listen to what she was saying, and just allow her to get it all out or wear herself out, which ever came first.

Before he knew it Kensi was talking in Spanish, then another language which Nate could only assume was Russian. Rambling non-stop, Nate wondered if this was another defense mechanism to distract him from asking her anymore questions. He knew Kensi was a great actor, portraying anyone in any type of mood. She could cry on cue, laugh, get angry and even ramble like she was now, but Nate could tell their was a difference between this Kensi and the one he watched doing this undercover. This was real and it was raw emotion.

Finally he stood up and walked over waiving his hands speaking loudly, "Ok! Ok Kensi! Whoa!" He lowered his voice after he caught her attention and spoke softly, "Slow down. You're making me dizzy." Kensi simply looked at Nate in shock as if she had just been stabbed. Did she really just spill in front of Nate? Did she really just lose it? She felt dizzy and started wobbling. Nate caught her before she fell to the floor and walked her over to the couch sitting down next to her with his hand on her back. "You ok?"

Kensi shook her head, but still didn't say anything. Nate spoke gently to her for fear she might explode on him again. "What's going on Kens? What just happened?"

Kensi started dry heaving and then clutched her stomach and ran to the trash bin. "Oh my God Nate. I think I'm gonna be sick." She heaved her breakfast burrito into his trash bin for several minutes then collapsed on the floor from exhaustion. Nate sat on the sofa wondering what it was he stumbled onto that scared Kensi so much. It was more than her sexuality. Nate stood up and walked over to Kensi. Kensi looked up with sad eyes, "Maybe I should go home. I don't feel so hot Nate." Nate hesitated. Sending Kensi home was not his first choice.

He ran his hand across her forehead brushing some strands of hair out of her eyes, "You don't look so good Kensi. Come sit down on the sofa and I'll go get you a glass of water and then if you still feel queezy I'll drive you home."

Kensi nodded and went to lie on the sofa. Nate left the room to fetch some water for Kensi. He felt awful. Less than twenty minutes and already his interview with Kensi was heading in the wrong direction. He had a bad feeling about today. What was it he was missing?


	3. Chapter 3

Nate ran into Hetty in the hall on the way back to his office. She sort of appeared out of nowhere as she often did.

"Everything ok Mr. Getz?" Hetty asked.

"Uh yeah. Kensi's not feeling well." Nate replied slightly nervous. "Bad breakfast burrito. I think she needs to go home, we aren't going to get much done today if she's ill."

"No." Hetty said with her arms crossed.

Nate was confused, "No? I can't take her home?"

Hetty stepped forward and pointed her finger at him very seriously, "Do not take her home and do not let her leave Mr. Getz. Whatever happens in there today, do not let her leave until she's ready."

Nate was confused, "I think she's sick Hetty."

Hetty breathed heavily looking down at the floor, then back up at Nate. "No Mr. Getz. She's not sick. She's remembering."

"Remembering what?" Nate asked concerned.

Hetty answered, "That which only a woman can remember Mr. Getz." She stepped around him and walked away with an aura of sadness in her step. Even more concerned Nate walked back into his office and handed Kensi the glass of water.

"Here you go." Nate sat quiety as she nursed the glass of water twisting the cup in her hands. Nate watched, uncertain of what to say. He trusted Hetty's advice beyond anyone and knew that she had ways of finding information on the agents that no one knew. With that in mind, he could only imagine what Hetty knew about Kensi that would cause her to physically be ill when she thought about it. It had to be something big and clearly traumatic.

He took in a deep breath then exhaled speaking softly, "Are you feeling better?" Kensi nodded her head. Gently he tried to find her eyes, but she refused to meet his. "What was it Kensi?"

Kensi just stared at the twirling glass in her hands, "Don't go there Nate."

"Kensi, I can't help you if you don't talk to me." Nate pleaded.

"What makes you think I want your help Nate?" Kensi challenged.

"Kensi, look at me," Nate said gently. Kensi hesitated, but looked up to meet his eyes. There was such sadness, such fear in her eyes that it almost hurt to look into them. "Ten minutes in my office, one question and you're rambling on in three different languages then keel over my trash bin. You may not want my help up here," He pointed to his head, "but you need it in here." He pointed to his chest.

Kensi's eyes started watering and she shook her head looking back down at the glass in her hands, "I can't Nate. Please don't make me."

"Kensi-" Nate said gently moving closer to her on the couch.

"No Nate," Kensi cut in shaking her head, more tears building up in her eyes. "Please, just drop it and take me home." Kensi was pleading with Nate. Nate couldn't make her talk about it, but he also couldn't take her home.

"I can't take you home Kensi." Nate said. Usually he never passed the buck onto someone else, but this time it seemed like a good move so when Kensi got mad it wouldn't be directed at him and maybe keep her from shutting down on him. "Hetty won't let me."

"What do you mean she won't let you? You guys can't hold me here." Kensi challenged standing up and walking out the door. Nate tried to chase after her. "Kensi! Wait!"

Kensi got maybe three steps outside of Nate's office when Hetty stepped in front of her with arms crossed. "Going somewhere Ms. Blye?"

"I'm not feeling well. Can't I do my psych eval another day when I'm feeling better?" Kensi asked.

Hetty shook her head and simply said, "No."

"Seriously?" Kensi asked surprised.

Nate stood in the doorway of his office watching Kensi and Hetty talk. He didn't understand why Kensi was being forced to go through this by Hetty of all people, but he learned that Hetty always knew best and went along with it.

"Turn around Ms. Blye. You and Mr. Getz have an unfinished interview." Hetty said.

Kensi begged, "Please Hetty." Hetty simply stared. Kensi turned around and walked back into Nate's office defeated.

Nate closed the door behind them and turned around looking at Kensi sitting on the sofa looking down at her feet. He was staring at this strong, confident, usually happy woman who was now helpless, vulnerable, weak and frightened like a young girl who had just been sent to her room without any supper. He put his hands in his pockets walking around the room racking his brain for what was going on. Both the females in this building knew what was happening, why? Kensi was upset about something related to her being a woman, what could that be? Remembering something only a woman could remember, what was that? What was he missing?

Moments that felt like years passed in silence between the two of them as Nate observed Kensi and Kensi held her stomach rocking. All of the sudden he paused, looking over at Kensi, and it was as if the pieces just fell together in his head. _No, not Kensi_ he thought. He could feel tears building up in his eyes as he realized what had happened to her, why she looked so frail like a scared little girl, and why the men in the building were completely oblivious to it. All the signs from the past few months started appearing in Nate's mind. Her objections about using her sexuality while undercover, all the nights she goes out trolling for men only to stumble upon jerks, and why nothing ever made it to a second date. Nate was overcome with emotion. He sat down in his chair and put his head in his hands, nothing but silence and sniffles between the two of them.

Finally, noticing Nate's change in behavior Kensi spoke, "What's wrong?"

Nate looked up with red eyes uncertain of what to say. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Kensi's eyes finally met Nate's. Again she was shocked. How did he know? What did he know? Deny, deny, deny she thought. "I don't know what you're referring to Nate."

"I think you do." Nate replied frankly seeing right through her façade.

"Well then maybe you can enlighten me." Kensi challenged.

Nate paused looking directly at Kensi, then with a serious tone he asked, "Were you ever sexually assaulted Kensi?"

Kensi smirked, trying to play it off, "Nate, that's ridiculous. Why would you ask something like that?"

"Because I think you have been." Nate said concerned.

"I don't really care what you think Nate. You could be wrong for all you know." Kensi challenged.

Nate nodded his head, his face still serious and solemn. "I could be wrong, but I'm not am I?" Kensi sat with her mouth wide open wanting to say no, but the words wouldn't come out. "I haven't heard you deny it yet."

"I'm not talking about this with you Nate. Leave it alone." Kensi said again in a last effort to get Nate to back away from this subject. She stood up and walked over toward his office window looking out at the courtyard.

Nate stood up and walked over to Kensi. He was at a disadvantage in this conversation because he was a man. Most women would only talk about these traumas with another female, probably the reason Hetty was the only person in the office who knew. Despite the disadvantage his gender put him at, he wasn't going to give up. "What did he do Kens?" Nate said standing right next to her.

Kensi was staring out the window trying so desperately to hold back the tears, but they fell anyway. Traitors, she thought, her tears were betraying her façade. Nate noticed the walls were very slowly falling away.

He walked around the room with his hands in his pockets talking to her in a soothing voice observing her reactions, "I know I'm the last person on earth you want to talk to right now, especially about this. I'm a man, there are limits to my understanding of what it means to be a woman and to be assaulted like only a woman can be, but you shouldn't have to carry this burden alone. The longer you hold onto the memory, the more power you give him over your soul. Let me help you fight him."

"It was a long time ago Nate. Before I started here. It doesn't matter anymore." Kensi said trying not to cry. "What's done is done."

Nate was saddened by Kensi's response. "Doesn't mean it doesn't still affect you. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt."

"I'm afraid," Kensi finally chirped from the corner of the office still not looking at Nate. "If I start I'll fall apart and he'll win."

"Fall apart Kensi," Nate urged compassionately. "I'm here to catch you. You and I can do this together. Let me be your soft place to fall."

"You're just another man."

"I'm not just another man," Nate approached Kensi. He could tell she was trying to avoid looking in his direction entirely, but he came close to her face, tilted it in his direction and spoke gently, "Its me, Nate. I won't hurt you and I won't violate you."

The flood gates had been opened at Nate's final words and Kensi broke down in tears. She allowed herself to fall into Nate's arms as years of tears came pouring out of her. Nate tightly wrapped her in his arms rubbing her back and comforting her. Every few seconds he reassured her in his calm and soothing voice, "Its ok Kens. Let it out. I've got you. You're safe."


	4. Chapter 4

After about twenty minutes Kensi came back up for air trying to regain her composure. Nate looked down at her with his arms still around her. "You wanna sit down?"

Kensi nodded rubbing her nose. She walked over to his couch and Nate grabbed his box of Kleenex setting it on the coffee table in front of her. He sat down on the coffee table facing Kensi and patiently waited for her to begin talking. Kensi looked up at Nate, her eyes asking him if it was safe and his gaze answering her non-verbalized question, yes.

Kensi nodded her head and exhaled. "About three years ago I was working for Houston PD undercover on this drug cartel case. I had been doing undercover work for a year leading up to this case, but this case was big." Kensi smiled as she remembered how she felt several years ago. "I remember feeling so honored that I was chosen for the job considering I was a woman in an all boys club, still fairly new, and hadn't made a whole ton of friends at the precinct yet."

"The chief must have really believed in you." Nate replied.

Kensi shook her head, "No. That's what I thought, but that wasn't the case." Nate gave her a confused look, but she continued. "See, I was chosen for the case solely because of my gender and the fact that I speak Spanish. What everyone knew, but me, when I went undercover, was that the guy I was supposed to get close to was a violent, womanizing, power hungry pervert."

Nate was surprised, "And no one prepared you?"

"No." Kensi replied sadly. Nate was shocked and felt angry at her former boss. "It took me months to find the guy and only a second to get close enough to him to realize I needed to get out."

"What did you do when you realized you were in trouble?" Nate asked never taking his eyes off Kensi.

"I couldn't walk away without blowing my cover. I was so close to getting the info we needed I figured I'd get what I came for and then try to back away. Lets just say that was a bad idea."

"So what happened?" Nate asked. He could fill in the blanks himself, but he wanted Kensi to tell him.

"I said something that I can only assume was threatening to him in some way." Kensi paused, hesitating. Nate noticed.

"Its ok Kensi. Take your time." Nate said gently.

Kensi looked up at him like a scared little puppy, "The bastard got violent. The more I tried to fight back the more excited it made him. If I screamed it made him happy, if I cried it made him happy, if I closed my eyes and pretended he was someone else, it made him happy. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't fight it, all I could do was give in, pray for strength, hope my team would find me before I ended up dead and close my eyes imagining I was somewhere else." Kensi looked like she wanted to cry, but after all the tears that fell today no more would form. Just raw emotion and pain were coming through now.

Nate watched as Kensi wiped the tears from her eyes contemplating the information he just heard. He had a puzzled look on his face as he tried to figure out what to say. "When it happened, did you imagine you were somewhere else or did you imagine you were with someone else?" Nate asked.

Kensi looked up in wonderment, "What does it matter?"

"Rape is a-" Nate started to explain, but Kensi cut him off.

"I wasn't raped Nate. Don't use that word." Kensi said sharply.

Caught off guard, Nate rephrased, "Sexual assault isn't about sex at all, it's about violence. If you were a victim of this type of violence, but imagined being with someone else in a, uh, loving way to escape what was happening to you, then you could have subconsciously tricked your mind into thinking violence is love." Kensi didn't even acknowledge she was listening to Nate. He thought that maybe he was being too harsh on Kensi. After all, he was thinking like a psychologist, not a human being right now. Maybe she needed more time before he started in on the psycho-babble. Nate exhaled deeply going into comfort mode, "Kensi-"

"Nate, that's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard." Kensi replied with a chuckle cutting Nate off. She didn't need to be comforted, she wasn't going to be another victim.

Recognizing Kensi wasn't interested in Nate's calming words he moved on. "What's wrong with the word rape?" Nate prodded. Kensi's face cringed when he said that word.

"Stop saying it Nate. Its just not a pleasant word." Kensi said irritated.

"Ok Kens. So you weren't raped. Tell me exactly what happened then. What exactly did he do?" Nate said using the word again to gauge her reaction.

"What are you some sick freak? Wanna hear the gory details Nate?" Kensi challenged. She was trying to turn the tables on him.

Nate placated Kensi with a sarcastic grin, Kensi hadn't admitted what happened to her and she wasn't interested in being comforted. She was trying to scare him into submission so he wouldn't press her further. It was time for him to turn the tables on Kensi, give her a little tough love if she wasn't willing to do this the easy way. Nate sharply looked at Kensi and rattled off question after question, "Did he touch you in a sexual way? Did he hold you down? Maybe he tied you down and gagged you? Did he hit you? Did he use a foreign object? Did he whisper sick words into your ear as he pushed himself on you? Did he-"

Kensi stood up yelling at Nate, "Stop! Stop it! No, no, no. I won't tell you, I won't relive it. No!"

Nate stood up raising his voice, getting back in Kensi's face, "How much longer do you think you can go on like this? How many more first dates will you go on because you're too afraid to explore anything farther than that? How much longer are you going to let him continue raping you over and over until you're ready to stop it? How much more can your soul take before you don't come back from this? Can you answer any of these questions Agent Blye?"

Kensi was taken aback by Nate's use of her surname. He had never called her that before nor had she ever heard Nate raise his voice, but he wanted to distinguish the psychologist side of himself with the friendship he had with Kensi. Nate meant business, it was time for some tough love. She sat back down, again feeling defeated and now exhaustion was setting in. Tears were coming back to her eyes and she looked up at Nate with a tired voice, "I really hate that word Nate."

Nate calmed down and looked at her, "I know."

"It hurts. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but to lose a piece of myself hurt the most." Kensi said. "Yes he tied me down. Yes he beat me half to death. Yes he gagged me so I couldn't scream. Yes I thought about someone else while he, you know, did things."

"He raped you." Nate said sitting next to Kensi on his couch. Kensi nodded her head trying to hold back the tears falling from her face. "Kensi," Nate said trying to find her eyes. "I'm really sorry that you had to endure being sexually assaulted." That brought a smile to her face. He continued, "You know I would never send you out on an op if I thought for a minute you would be in danger in that way. Its why I'm here and not some Police Academy Chief making the decisions about what ops to run." Kensi leaned into Nate and allowed him to hold her and comfort her.


	5. Chapter 5

After some time Kensi sat back up eyes blood shot red. Nate looked at her and a soft, comforting smile came over his face. Kensi smiled back.

"You yelled at me." Kensi said.

Nate looked guilty, "I'm sorry, I-"

Kensi smiled, "Thanks." Nate returned the smile. "So what now Nate?" Kensi asked trying to regain her composure.

"Well, that depends on how you're feeling." Nate replied.

"I feel like someone reached into my chest and ripped out my heart then threw it on the ground and spat on it." Kensi replied standing up and walking back over to Nate's window. She turned to look at him across the room. "My soul is tired."

"I'm curious Kensi," Nate began, "how have you been coping all these years? I mean, what happened after the op went bad several years ago?"

"Nothing. I just moved on." Kensi replied.

"The department didn't-"

"They didn't know Nate." Kensi cut him off.

"You never told them?"

"No."

"Kensi," Nate said in a pitiful manner, "You've been carrying this by yourself for three years without telling anyone?"

"Who was I going to tell? If I told my chief he'd never send me out in the field again. I would have been deemed as psychologically unfit and put behind a desk. I didn't want that. You know I can't sit at a desk. Look how disorganized I am, can you imagine what my desk would look like if I was there all the time?"

Nate nodded his head and smirked a little. She had a point.

Kensi changed the subject, "What you said earlier, about me mistaking violence for love, is that why I ended up in an abusive relationship several years ago?"

Nate was surprised at Kensi's confession, and again concerned. "I didn't know you were in an abusive relationship."

"Yeah"

"You wanna talk about it?." Nate said answering Kensi's question.

"Not really." Kensi replied. "Does this mean I'll never have a normal, healthy relationship with a man?"

"No, but it will take some work. Our thoughts and actions have enormous impact on our brain, even if only for a second. The brain can be very fragile, especially during a trauma. It takes time to reverse the things that happen to it." Nate said gently. "When some of us experience trauma, our brain goes into protective mode. Its a natural reaction to push aside the pain in the moment for something less painful to survive."

"Like when a trauma victim can't remember what happened?" Kensi said.

"Right." Nate said. "After the initial pain is gone we have to go back in and retrain our brain to come out of protective mode so we can go on living without having to relive it."

Kensi nodded indicating she understood what Nate was saying, but he knew it wasn't the answer she wanted to hear.

"Did this incident change your outlook on life at all?" Nate asked.

"I never really gave it much thought," Kensi said walking casually around the room. "I lost both my parents when I was younger and lost my fiancé several years back. I guess I just pushed through it."

"How?" Nate said with real curiosity.

"You go through enough crap in your life you figure out that you can survive anything. Even being raped." Kensi said, still cringing as the word came out of her mouth. It was the first time she admitted she had been raped and finally the last layer of her hard shell had fallen away.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Nate said in a half daze. Kensi understood that to mean that even the great Nate Getz, with all this psychological skills, wasn't immune to the tragedies of living. "Can you survive this?" He asked. Kensi nodded her head. "Do you want to survive this?"

Kensi hesitated for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders looking back out Nate's window. "Some days yes, other days I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear." There was a long silence. Kensi fidgeted with her nails, then glanced over at Nate who was leaning against his desk with his chin in his hand thinking.

Kensi turned to him, "What do I do now?"

He exhaled, "Well, I think we order lunch, unless you want me to take you home?"

Kensi shook her head, "I think I should stay, don't you?"

Nate nodded in complete agreement, "Yeah I do."

"Nate, I'm scared." Kensi continued. Nate walked over and gave Kensi a huge bear-hug. He tightly held her in his arms and she allowed him to comfort her. Nate was never one for hugging, especially when he was counseling someone, but Kensi was his friend, someone he cared about more than just another coworker or client. It was all he could do from not breaking down himself when he looked into her sad eyes.

As he held her, he began talking softly, "I admire your strength Kensi Blye. I don't know many women who would still be standing after everything you've been through. There's a lot to be said for your will to survive, your strength to pull through, and your determination to succeed. You will survive this, you will pull through and you will succeed; 99 and three quarters percent guaranteed." Quoting Dr. Seuss made her giggle and brought a smile to both their faces.

The two of them talked for several more hours. The tone of their conversations picked up as the day went on and by the end Kensi was smiling, laughing and built back up enough to where Nate felt comfortable sending her home and where Kensi felt comfortable leaving. As she walked out a sadness came over his face. He knew she couldn't return to undercover work yet and he knew that today was only the tip of the iceberg. Getting Kensi to confess what happened was a start, but dealing with it would be a lot harder. He figured she was bottling up all the uncomfortable feelings she encountered every time she was on an op and that made Kensi a big liability to the agency. Nate feared for what the next week had in store for Kensi.

Another long night for another one of his agents. Tomorrow was Saturday, their day off. He only prayed that all of them were strong enough not to do anything stupid this weekend and return to him Monday morning in one piece.

After everyone had gone home, Nate was left walking the halls as he did at the end of every day compartmentalizing the day's events before returning home. As usual, he ran into Hetty.

"Nate, you're still here?" Hetty asked.

"Just processing, getting ready to head out." Nate replied somewhat tired.

"How did it go today?" She asked.

Nate looked at Hetty quizzically, "How did you know?"

Hetty hesitated, wondering if she should share with Nate. She saw how red his eyes were, probably from crying half the day. That was what she loved about Nate, how empathic he was when it came to the people he tried to help. Watching Nate go through someone else's emotions was incredible, it was the reason Hetty trusted him so much. Knowing Nate truly cared about her answer and would not hurt her or betray her confidence, she decided to tell him the truth. "I've been in the undercover business long enough to know what can happen to a woman first hand out there. They're the kind of wounds you can't see, unless you have them too."

Nate then realized what Hetty was saying. He put on his psychologist face, wondering if this was going to be another confession, one he absolutely didn't want to hear from his boss. "I'm so sorry Hetty. I had no idea." Nate had been trained to know that he couldn't always control when or who someone decided to open up to. What he could always count on was that it would happen when he was tired, emotionally drained and not expecting it.

"I thank you for your genuine empathy Mr. Getz, in fact it's why I hired you. I'm fine, I dealt with my trauma a long time ago." Hetty replied noticing Nate was going into psychologist mode and yet she found comfort and strength in the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

"Doesn't mean it went away Hetty." Nate could feel more tears coming on. To hear such stories from two strong women whom he admired hurt him inside. He truly felt for them and their pain.

Hetty looked sad, almost as if she was going to cry, but she looked back up at Nate with only watery eyes and said, "No, it never goes away." Hetty cleared her throat and continued, "These kinds memories are like shards of glass in one's foot. If one walks on the foot never taking the piece of glass out, then the foot gets infected and the wound hurts worse. If one takes the piece of glass out, then the wound can heal. Eventually all that's left is a scar, and sometimes a dull sympathy pain." Nate looked down at Hetty as if he was doing a puzzle. Hetty walked away from Nate concluding their conversation. He watched as her step, again, looked sad and solemn, but he understood what she was trying to tell him and in the end, he appreciated her honesty and euphemism.

It would be a hard weekend for everyone, even Nate, but come Monday morning it was time for him and Hetty to start building the team back up and putting them back together again. First round of interviews done, second round to begin only too soon.


End file.
